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Mar. 10th, 2009

Ellen Paige

Could I open my mouth and speak for my heart?

Its almost one am and once agian I dont feel anything near being tired.I've had a long day today, a lot on my mind...and ran all over town with my sister and the girls..so a "normal" person should be tired right now.I guess I just dont fit into that "normal" catagory.

Things really havent changed much here. I'm still working a job I despise, doing my best everyday to find something..anything everyday that I like about being there..usually its a customer who comes through my line and completly brightens my day.
Like the couple I met on Valentines day.They told me they had been together for almost 40 years...she was immaculate in the way she dressed, still carrrying a strong accent from her home country...Germany maybe? And had the kindest voice I had heard in a long while. We chatted for about twenty minutes after I bagged thier groceries, about Portland ( they had lived there shortly before I moved here as well) and about life in general. He was quieter, but kind,and when he spoke,had this bell like sound to his voice. Every time she spoke, his gaze followed her, and watching them,I could tell that after all this time,and her "youthful" beauty had faded, he still loved her as much as the first day he saw her,  and more than likely much more.They come in about once a week now, he makes sweet little jokes, and each time before they leave my line,she tells me to keep my head up, that I'll only be working where I am for a short while longer.That she can see that I am made for so much more than this. It brightens my day every time.Gives me a little hope.
Funny how a complete stranger can save you from yourself.
And how someone so close to you can kill the light in your heart.........
But thats for the sweet pages that lay next to my bed.My only confident it seems these days now that I am far away from my Peter......I miss Neverland....Does it even seem different there now Peter, that Wendy is gone?

So for the thing thats been twisting inside my head all day like a parasite fighting to survive as I try to push it further and further into the very back of my mind.
How is it that I manage to get myself intangled in one of the most cofusing realationships ever on this whole entire bloody earth?!
We said " no strings attached" and my dumbass heart has to start to fall for her....Maybe its the lonely part of me..but I know that isnt true this time.Its that she brings laughter into my heart agian,in a way that I havent felt for....well since Sul.And I held on to that hope that she would feel it too..but we promised to be honest with eachother,I told her that was all I expected from her, so shes been completly honest with me.Even when it comes to her feelings for other people. And my dumbass cant...no wont speak up and say..."umm so yeah that really hurts.I like you a lot...thought you did too." 
But I know thats its not that she doesnt like me....or the simplicity that she likes this other girl too and is in love with her ex wife still...its more than that. But its not my place to say more.Ive already said too much here.
"Her heart is a wolf"............

Im finally starting to catch up on my bills....even though every single day I get another notice in the mail. pffft.
After my taxes come in on the 13th, things will be evn more caught up, which makes me REALLY fantasticly happy.Fantastic like....shall we say 1000 hotdogs? ( that ones for you, relevantsilence :) )
It means a lot of things.
For one,I can finally start saving for a place of my own.
As much as I love being around My sis and my lovely lil monster nieces, I miss the way it feels to have my own home. A place where I can wake up, open the windows, start the coffee pot and light a ciggarette as I fill the room with the grogginess of Amy Winehouse...
Coming home from a long day at work and curling up on the couch with Rio and getting lost in a book or movie.Decided who comes over and when. There are so  many little things you dont think you would miss untill they are taken away from you.
And now that the roads are clearing up, I can start learning to drive agian and get myself a lil p.o.s. to drive. As long as it can get my around town and to Portland on a random whim,I dont care what the hell it is. And just in case you were wondering,yes I will be coming home one day.
Little visits in between, but hopefully soon within the next year or year and a half, I will be on Portlandias streets agian. I miss her.I miss my chosen family. No matter how irrational, crazy and missunderstood you all are.
Okay, time to read some more " Breaking Dawn" and crash.Another long day tomorrow.
Much love always,

Mar. 3rd, 2009

Ellen Paige

Run away to nowhere

I hate nights like these. I feel completly alone,and the more I search,the less I find.So Im wandering my newly found obbession,post secret.hiding behind every word searching for the possibilty of someone feeling even slightly near what I feel right now.
I feel so lost searching the world for a stranger who feels the way I do right now.They way that I have been feeling lately.So I give up,and just keep trying my hardest to keep breathing,and stay away from SI.The saddest partof all of this,is right now, I dont want to,I want a sweet release from the agonizing thoughts floating around in my head.I dont know what I was thinking,that people would notice.I just want someone to notice when I hide...when I have tears lining my eyes,when I sleep all day.When I refuse to let you pull up my sleeve......I just want someone,anyone to look at me and say "everythings going to be all right, I promise...." and be able to believe them.But Ive heard it so many times before, and I cant hear the words through the lies........

Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got
Covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Hibernating always waiting for something new
Happiness always ending
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
No one attending

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I got covered in darkness
Covered in darkness
Ever wonder why I never really truly connect
Although my eyes are open
I can hold your gaze
But I am never connected
Never connected

I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love
Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Turning pages over
Run away to nowhere
And it's hard to take control
When your enemy's old and afraid of you
You'll discover that the monster you were running from
Is the monster in you

Better to hold on to love
Better to hold on to love
Change will come

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

It doesn't really matter where it all began
Cuz all I know
I was lost
I was lost
No, no

It doesn't really matter where it all began no no
All I know
I was lost
I feel lost


Feb. 24th, 2009

Ellen Paige

"Enjoy it"

Every once and a while, something stirs in me. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it always sneaks up on me when I least expect it to. I feel so restless. My heads spinning and I cant get my mind clear of all the jumbling thoughts.

Joel: "Why do I fall in love with every woman who shows me the slightest affection?"

*          *             *             *             *

Clementine: "This is it Joely"

Joel :  " I know"

Clementine: "What do we do?"

Joel: " Enjoy it"

How is it that a film can change your entire aspect on life? There has been two films that have come my way in life that have made me really think about the way I was living, and have changed me for a bettr person. I watched "Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind" for the first time the other night. If you haven't seen it, you should. Perhaps its just that Im a weird kid and take things too seriously, but ever since I watched it, I havent let a single moment pass me by. I used to hold on to my fear and avoid any sort of uncomftrable situation,anything that would possible create a form of rejection or mishap.Now, Im not saying that I have been miraclously saved or "cured" by this movie,but some how I feel lighter.More free from fear.Im just gliding along,and now, nothing can stop me.

Feb. 11th, 2009

Ellen Paige

On this well worn path

I'm searching, possibly looking too hard for who I am.It's almost two am, I'm sitting in the dark in a house not called home, feeling the wheels in my mind turn so fast I cant keep any of my thoughts straight. As usual.I wonder about so much these days.
-Who is this girl woman underneath all the layers of everyone around her? Will I ever realy know her?
-Why did I really move back to Idaho?
Was it to get away from him, from her, from them? To "find" myself? To start new? To leave so I wouldn't hurt them anymore? Some days I dont know at all. I walk around, every thing seems fine and then suddendly I'm walking around in some fog, I can't remember which foot goes in front of the other, what my name is or why I am where I am.
-Did I really ever love any of them?
The Stubborn one, who still proclaims love for me, whom I tell I love, who would drive 800 miles to see me for three days. I lie and tell some people that we are getting married.Just so I can have something to talk about other than whats really on my mind.

The calm one who I swore Id wait for, who i avoid at some cost, because part of me honestly loves him in all his "ness".When I wrapped my jacket around him that night, I hated myself for not waiting. He didnt know it, and neither did I at the moment it happened, but I gave up on him in the worst way ever. But I cant hold on to that now. That is one of the greatest things I ever learned. "Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss"........"If only" is only something to hold me back.

The one who kept coming back into my life, time and time again. We thought it was fate, but it turned out to be a beautiful disaster.And then a nightmare.

I think back on all those lovers, and almost lovers, so many more than the ones on my mind tonight, and part of me yearns for them, but asrelevantsilence  has told me time and time again..."Baby girl its not that you miss them,its just the simple fact that youre lonely.If it was any of us, youd say youd love us till the end of the world and back, just not to be alone" or something to that effect.

Ah Im rambling again and this post has no point to it what-so-ever.But thats what Lj's for right?


I miss Portlandia, her smells, her sounds, the way she would filter the wind to wash leaves all around my feet and whisk away the minions in my mind, leaving only the peacefull calming thoughts.I'd give anything for one single day on her streets.Just one,just me and her;like it used to be.

Feb. 7th, 2009

Ellen Paige

take it all

and you walk away from me standing there ....tears streaming down your face like all the times before.
Except this time when you led me to you, you held your arms so wide, they seemed so inviting,like your smile the first day we met.
I kept loving you,holding on to the memory of our days together all this time, four years later, still loving you.Even after all the other lovers I brought into my weak little world.
So weak minded and lonely today ,I gave in to the temptation of your number laying there like a coiled serpant in my hands,crumbled from my hands unfolding and folding it again,caressing it like it was your face....and dialed.
You killed me inside the last time we layed together, stitched me whole and emptyed my heart to a black unforgiving night all in one si ngle day.
And stupid, I stepped forward when you called my name,believed you when you promised the things we promised eachother so long ago.No more.Im taking the piece ofmy heart back that you took with you that day. I loved you once, but I refuse to follow you down this dark path anymore.

Jan. 31st, 2009


dissected heart,scarred hands

I have found that I define myself by the people around me. I somehow lost along the way who exactly this girl, this woman in the mirror is. How did I get so lost through the woods? How did I define myself solely on the ones around me? I am nest mother,friend,lover ,ex...but even though I always loved caring for those in my life, I always have felt some part missing.Ive tried to fill the gap with so many things, mostly lovers.
One after another grazing thier sweet lips on my skin,across my collarbones, digging thier claws into my heart, tearing apart a piece to call thier own and leaving only thier handprint  on my heart.
There have been so many mornings when I would wake up and find the other side of my bed empty, empty and lacking like this gaping hole inside my heart. I stand,window open, sweet rain wind filling my room,ciggarette dangling from my lips, ash falling to the floor, and somehow, I dont care about the burn it ill leave there.There really isnt much to care for anymore.Watching the cars pass by so slowly, one by one, filled with people; who somehow, seem to have a purpose, a reason for thier daily lives.
I have no purpose.I search and scour and dissect every iota of every thought; but still my scarred hands come up empty.
People tell me that its laying dormant inside of me, everytime I exhale the bitter smoke, I push, hoping that "something" will be a little close to coming out.So I can stop chasing myself.
Is this hole carved by all my lovers? 27 lovers, men and women. Liars,thieves,poets,dreamers,foul tainting demons have all entered my bed and exited again. Sometimes I really wonder if shes out there, waiting for me, searching,feeling that emptyness like I do.hearing her lovers whisper over and over again " I love you" and knowing that  what she has just isnt enough.
I know what I have isnt enough.